The Paint Police

As the owner of a paint contracting company, I have an eye for spotting poor paint jobs. Almost without thinking about it, any time I enter someplace I am inspecting the paint job. And often, what I see is offensive to anyone with a semblance of standards.

I see brush strokes going in five different directions. I see touch up that doesn't match. I see lines that wiggle more than a worm on hot pavement. I see application problems and preparation problems. But most of all, I see a serious threat to the well-being of anyone who enters that building. We need a law to protect people from shoddy paint jobs. We need the Paint Police.

You may think that this is absurd. You may think that I am being sarcastic. You would be correct on both counts. But this is no less absurd than many laws that are proposed. And I can make a good case to support such a law.

Paint is composed of hundreds of chemicals, including volatile organic compounds, titanium dioxide, resins, and some other things I can't even spell. Some of these chemicals can be quite dangerous, and when combined they become a virtual Chernobyl. For example, if you ingested one ounce of 100% pure acrylic latex paint, you would experience severe stomach problems.
Few people realize that paint off gasses for a prolonged period--sometimes for years. So, while you may not saddle up to the bar and order a shot of SuperPaint on the rocks, you could be ingesting toxic fumes anytime you are in the proximity of paint.

Look around you. I bet you can spot a lot of things that have paint on them-- your walls, the woodwork, your furniture, and perhaps your shoes. (A little known fact is that most leather shoes are painted in Brazilian sweat shops by artisans who make cheap banana leaves look like expensive leather. But that is a different story.) All of these products are emitting toxic chemicals that are slowly destroying your liver. And the problem gets even worse if you start gnawing on one of these items.

You are probably thinking that you never gnaw on your furniture, your walls, or your shoes. And if you don't then I give you a lot of credit for your self-control. You see, paint manufacturers add secret ingredients to their products that subconsciously create strong gnawing urges in humans. During WWII, government scientists worked with the paint companies to find ways to influence enemy behavior by adding certain ingredients into paint, and then Allied bombers dropped tons of paint on villages throughout Europe. The result was very colorful. But I digress.

One of the primary problems with paint is poor adhesion. If the paint doesn't stick to the surface to which it is applied, it will come off. The result is peeling, flaking paint. Because of the secret, enticing ingredients in paint, humans will unknowingly ingest it. This often occurs in the middle of the night. This phenomenon has been documented in numerous B-grade movies.

Many people mistakenly believe that a paint job just requires picking a color and slapping some paint on the wall. Au contraire. There is much more to a high quality, long lasting job. Things such as picking the proper roller nap, using the right primers, and drinking an approved beer. Unfortunately, there are many people out there who are applying paint and don't know the difference between an eggshell and a satin. These people pose a tremendous public health risk.

It is time that we do something about it, and given the aroma of change that is in the air, this is the perfect time to do it. We need the federal government to enact sweeping regulations to insure that all paint is applied properly. We need to crack down on those who denigrate our trade, and do other things that I don't like. I urge you to write your Congressman and Senators in support of this proposal.

And while you are at it, you might suggest that they make me the Paint Czar.